Harmful Messages

[Kamila Mitraszewska]

HARMFUL MESSAGES

Before you is a list of messages that negatively impact relationships with another person. The list is presented with examples from everyday life; I hope this will be helpful in paying attention to specific messages.

Instructions – how to best use this list to make it useful:

• Element 1 – Familiarize yourself with the list.
  
• Element 2 – Notice these sentences in yourself or others (hear yourself and/or the other person).
  
• Element 3 – Feel it; the spoken sentences constitute a certain barometer, showing us whether it is OK when we say it, or whether we feel okay when someone says it.
  
• Element 4 – Change. If you feel that it is not OK when you use these sentences/words, or someone uses them, communicate this to the other person; if you see it in yourself, stop for a moment and change your message to a non-threatening one.
  

When reading the following messages aloud, they may seem neutral, but during the conversation, each message has its emotional intensity. This intensity consists of the following aspects:

• timbre and melody of the voice – that is, how you say a given sentence, whether you drag out sounds, or whether you emphasize some word with intonation. During the use of passive aggression, it happens that the spoken sentence at first glance seems neutral, but its connotation is negative (positive or negative sentiment).
  
• volume – this means whether you say the sentence in your natural way, or whether you raise your tone, i.e., the voice becomes higher, more shrill and at the same time loud.
  
• facial expression – what is happening on your face, how your eyebrows furrow, how your lips tighten, how widely you open your mouth to articulate some words. The face is plastic, and emotions can be seen on it, both positive and negative.
  

ATTACKING MESSAGES
Imagine words as arrows that aim straight at the recipient's heart. Attacking messages are precisely such verbal projectiles that wound, humiliate, and make the other person feel threatened. It is not only insults, but also sarcasm, threats, and even tone of voice or facial expressions that express contempt and hostility. Such messages do not build anything, but only destroy trust and respect in the relationship.

• I just want to help you.
  
• You're still...(sitting here, watching something, you haven't done this, etc.).
  
• Are you having another drink again?
  
• Do you really want to behave like that?
  
• Are you really tired?
  
• Of course, you were late for work today.
  
• You're not on time again.
  
• You lost your job again.
  
• Just lose weight.
  
• Finally, get down to something useful.
  
• You're probably right.
  
• Try at least a little to achieve something.
  
• Now you're behaving properly.
  
• Now you've done it well.
  
• As usual, you forgot my birthday.
  
• As if you couldn't figure it out in the end.
  
• You're a complete idiot! How could you do something so stupid?
  
• You never do anything right. You're hopeless.
  
• Shut up, because I can't listen to you. Your chatter irritates me.
  
• You look terrible in that outfit. Don't you have any shame?
  
• You're pathetic. I feel sorry for you.
  
• I can't believe you're so stupid.
  
• Your ideas are nonsense. You have no competence.
  
• You're a loser. You can't do anything right.
  
• Get out of here! I don't want to see you.
  
• You're the worst employee I've ever had.
  
• Your work is worthless. You should be ashamed.
  
• You don't deserve respect. You behave like a child.
  
• You're an egoist. You only think about yourself.
  
• I hate you! You ruined my life.
  
• You're disgusting. I can't look at you.
  
• Your behavior is unacceptable. You're a disgrace to the family.
  
• I don't want to have anything to do with you. You're toxic.
  
• You're a zero. You don't deserve anything good.
  
• I hope you will suffer the consequences of your actions.
  
• I regret that I met you. You're a mistake.
  

Accusations and blaming:
Generalizations using "always" and "never":

• You always have to have the last word.
  
• You never take my feelings into account.
  
• You always screw everything up.
  
• You can never rely on you.
  

Labeling and judging:

• You're an egoist.
  
• You're a loser.
  
• You're cold and insensitive.
  
• You behave like a tyrant.
  
• You're pathetic.
  

Blaming and shifting responsibility:

• It's because of you that I'm unhappy.
  
• If you didn't behave like this, it wouldn't have happened.
  
• It's your fault that we have problems.
  
• You manipulated me to do it.
  

Sarcasm, irony and mockery:

• Wow, you're so smart. (with an ironic tone)
  
• Oh sure, it's definitely my fault. (with sarcasm)
  
• You're doing great. (with mockery)
  
• Really impressive. (with irony)
  
• Ignoring and humiliating:
  
• Criticism of appearance, character, skills:
  
• You're dressed like a clown.
  
• You have terrible taste.
  
• You're terribly clumsy.
  
• You have no abilities.
  
• Your ideas are stupid.
  

Comparing to others:

• Why can't you be more like [name]?
  
• He/she is much better than you at [something].
  
• All my friends have better jobs/partners/lives.
  

Ignoring and avoiding:

• (Pretending not to hear)
  
• (Changing the subject)
  
• (Walking away during the conversation)
  
• (Not responding to messages)
  

Trivializing feelings and needs:

• Stop whining.
  
• Don't be so sensitive.
  
• I don't understand what you're talking about.
  
• It's not that important.
  
• Controlling and manipulating:
  
• Threats and intimidation:
  
• If you leave me, I'll do something to myself.
  
• You'll regret it.
  
• You better watch what you're saying.
  
• Don't force me to use force.
  

Emotional blackmail and playing on feelings:

• If you really love me, then...
  
• I'm so good to you, and you repay me like this?
  
• You disappoint me.
  
• You make me sad.
  

Inducing guilt and obligation:

• I always have to do everything.
  
• I sacrificed everything for you.
  
• You owe it to me.
  
• You can't refuse me this.
  
• Restricting autonomy and freedom:
  
• You can't leave the house without my permission.
  
• You're not allowed to meet with them.
  
• You have to do what I tell you.
  
• You don't have the right to your own opinion.
  
• Aggressive and hostile:
  
• Shouting, swearing, insults:
  
• Shut up and listen to me!
  
• You're a cretin/idiot!
  
• Get out of here!
  
• I can't look at you!
  

Physical and psychological violence:

• (Pushing, grabbing, hitting)
  
• (Destroying things)
  
• (Isolating from loved ones)
  
• (Intimidation)
  

Personal attacks and humiliation:

• You're worthless.
  
• You'll never achieve anything.
  
• You're disgusting.
  
• I wish you weren't born.
  
• Subtle forms of attacks:
  
• Passive-aggressive behavior:
  
• Sulking
  
• Silence
  
• Doing things to spite someone
  
• Sarcastic remarks
  

Manipulation:

• Playing the victim
  
• Making oneself a victim while making the interlocutor guilty
  
• Using the other person's weaknesses
  
• Inducing guilt
  
• Gaslighting (making someone doubt their own perception)
  

“EVALUATING” MESSAGES
Imagine someone putting on the robes of a judge and passing verdicts on your person. Evaluating messages are precisely such verbal labels that we attach to others, often in a negative and generalizing way. Instead of describing specific behavior, we attribute permanent character traits to the other person, thus creating rigid frameworks that hinder their development and change.

• You didn't try.
  
• You're not suitable for this.
  
• You won't be able to handle it.
  
• Amazing! You didn't make any mistakes (NOTE) passive-aggressive behavior.
  
• You have no sense of humor.
  
• You can't do anything on time.
  
• It's clear to everyone, but not to you.
  
• No one could have done it worse than you.
  
• You're an egoist.
  
• You lack ambition.
  
• You're too young for this.
  
• You surprised me. You did it very well.
  
• This proves your laziness.
  
• You are intolerant.
  
• Only an idiot could do something like that.
  
• You're lazy. You never want to do anything.
  
• You're always late. You don’t respect my time.
  
• You're too emotional. You can't control yourself.
  
• You have terrible taste. You have no sense of aesthetics.
  
• You're not ambitious enough. You lack motivation.
  
• You're a slob. You never clean up after yourself.
  
• You're irresponsible. You can't be relied upon.
  
• You're too talkative. You can't listen.
  
• You're a pessimist. You always see everything in black.
  
• You're naive. You're easily fooled.
  
• You're arrogant. You think you're better than others.
  
• You're jealous. You don't enjoy the success of others.
  
• You're stubborn. You can't admit to a mistake.
  
• You're intolerant. You don't accept differences.
  
• You're closed off. It's hard to make contact with you.
  
• You're shy. You should be more confident.
  
• You're aggressive. You scare people with your behavior.
  
• You're a manipulator. You try to take advantage of others.
  
• You're a hypocrite. You say one thing and do another.
  
• You're boring. You have nothing interesting to say.
  

"YOU" MESSAGES
Imagine a finger pointing straight at your face. "YOU" messages are precisely such accusatory messages that shift all the blame onto the other person. Instead of focusing on the problem and looking for a solution, we attack the recipient, making them feel guilty and defensive. Such messages block dialogue and hinder cooperation.

• You only cause me problems.
  
• You're prejudiced.
  
• You disrespect me.
  
• You never listen to what's being said to you.
  
• You treat others badly.
  
• You're aggressive.
  
• You're bothering me.
  
• You're delaying the team's work.
  
• You're not fulfilling your duties.
  
• You're unfair.
  
• You don't respect others.
  
• You don't take into account the opinions of others.
  
• You discourage me from working (shifting responsibility).
  
• You're exaggerating.
  
• You always have to ruin everything. You can't be trusted with anything.
  
• It's your fault that we were late. You can't be punctual.
  
• You never listen to me. I'm talking to a wall.
  
• You did it again! How many times do I have to tell you?
  
• I have problems because of you. It's all your fault.
  
• You always have to get your way. You don't care about others.
  
• You started it. Now you bear the consequences.
  
• You don't care about me. You only care about yourself.
  
• You let me down. I can't trust you.
  
• You hurt me. Your words hurt.
  
• You lied to me. You're not trustworthy.
  
• You betrayed me. I won't forgive you.
  
• You ignored me. I feel rejected by you.
  
• You humiliated me. I have no respect for you.
  
• You used me. You're an egoist.
  
• You cheated me. You're not honest.
  
• You manipulated me. You're not sincere.
  
• You left me. I'm alone.
  
• You abandoned me. You don't care what happens to me.
  
• You rejected me. I'm not important to you.
  
• You hurt me. I don't want to suffer.
  

COMPARING MESSAGES
Imagine standing on a scale, and someone constantly compares your "weight" to others. Comparing messages are precisely such words that make us feel inferior to others. Instead of appreciating our individuality and uniqueness, someone puts us in competition with others, which creates frustration and lowers our self-esteem.

• You used to be easier to get along with.
  
• Why do others understand this, and you don't?
  
• You're just like X (name of the person to whom someone is being compared).
  
• You're making a fool of yourself like X (name of the person to whom someone is being compared).
  
• Compared to X, you're better.
  
• If I could choose, I'd rather work with X.
  
• You're far from the level of X (name of the person to whom someone is being compared).
  
• You'll never match X (name of the person to whom someone is being compared).
  
• Compared to X, you look good.
  
• I've never worked with anyone as badly as with you.
  
• If you don't do as X does, we have nothing to talk about.
  
• I would definitely prefer X to be in your place (name of the person to whom someone is being compared).
  
• Tomek was an expert, not like you.
  
• I see that you're trying, but X (name of the person to whom someone is being compared) does it better.
  
• Well! You managed to match X (name of the person to whom someone is being compared).
  
• Why can't you be like your brother? He always gets good grades.
  
• Ania is always so organized, and you're always losing your things.
  
• Everyone else passed the exam, only you didn't. What's wrong with you?
  
• He earns twice as much as you. You should take an example from him.
  
• Your sister is much prettier. You should learn from her.
  
• His children are so well-behaved, and yours are always causing trouble.
  
• Her husband is so helpful, and yours does nothing around the house.
  
• Her job is much more prestigious than yours.
  
• He has so many talents, and you can't do anything.
  
• She's so popular, and you have no friends.
  
• His family is so rich, and yours can barely make ends meet.
  
• Her house is so beautiful, and yours is a ruin.
  
• He has such good luck in life, and you're always unlucky.
  
• She's so smart, and you don't understand anything.
  
• His company is successful, and yours is failing.
  
• He's so strong, and you're so weak.
  
• She's so brave, and you're such a coward.
  
• His life is so exciting, and yours is so boring.
  
• He's so happy, and you're so unhappy.
  
• She's so fulfilled, and you're so frustrated.
  

DEMANDING MESSAGES
Imagine someone giving you orders like a soldier. Demanding messages are precisely such words that impose our will on others, often in an aggressive and demanding way. Instead of asking for something or negotiating, we give orders, which causes resistance and rebellion in the recipient.

• You have to do it immediately.
  
• Don't you dare bring up this topic again.
  
• I don't want your help.
  
• Please do this without discussion.
  
• Please leave.
  
• Stop irritating me with your views.
  
• This should be forgotten.
  
• You can't ask me for this, you have no right.
  
• Don't interfere in my affairs.
  
• He demanded that you leave this project, you didn't try anyway.
  
• You have to agree to my proposal.
  
• You have no other choice.
  
• If you don't listen, you'll regret it.
  
• I will take consequences against you if you don't do what I say.
  
• Please adapt to this.
  
• You have no right to expect this.
  
• You have to help me! I have no other choice.
  
• Do it immediately! I don't have time to wait.
  
• Stop behaving like that! It annoys me.
  
• Leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you.
  
• I don't want to see you! Go away.
  
• Do what I tell you! Don't argue.
  
• You have to listen to me! I'm older.
  
• Don't talk to me! You don't deserve it.
  
• Don't you dare interrupt me! I'm in the middle of an important conversation.
  
• Don't lie to me! Tell the truth.
  
• Don't cheat me! Be honest.
  
• Don't betray me! Be loyal.
  
• Don't ignore me! Pay attention to me.
  
• Don't humiliate me! Respect me.
  
• Don't use me! Be fair.
  
• Don't manipulate me! Be sincere.
  
• Don't leave me! I need you.
  
• Don't abandon me! I can't cope alone.
  
• Don't reject me! I'm a part of your life.
  
• Don't hurt me! I don't want to suffer.
  

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT" MESSAGES
Imagine someone constantly shifting responsibility like a hot potato. "It's not my fault" messages are precisely such words that protect us from the consequences of our actions. Instead of admitting a mistake and taking responsibility, we look for excuses and blame others or circumstances. Such messages block the possibility of learning from mistakes and hinder our development.

• Sometimes you have to do things against your will.
  
• I had no choice.
  
• They pressured me and forced me.
  
• I don't know why I did it.
  
• Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and mine was small.
  
• Most people do this, so I'm not alone.
  
• Well, the world is brutal, you know how it is, everyone does what they can.
  
• I was provoked to do this...
  
• I trusted the wrong people and that's why.
  
• That's the company's policy, it's not my fault.
  
• I can't do anything about these regulations.
  
• I was just following orders from above.
  
• I had to do this because of you.
  
• The circumstances required it.
  
• It's not my fault that I was late, there was a traffic jam.
  
• I didn't make it because the boss gave me another task.
  
• I forgot because I was tired.
  
• I didn't break it. Someone else must have done it.
  
• I didn't know that's how it should be done. Nobody told me.
  
• I couldn't come because I was sick.
  
• I didn't have time because I had a lot of work.
  
• I didn't have any money because I had to pay the bills.
  
• I couldn't concentrate because it was noisy.
  
• I couldn't sleep because I had nightmares.
  
• I couldn't eat because I had no appetite.
  
• I couldn't drink because I was thirsty.
  
• I couldn't breathe because it was stuffy.
  
• I couldn't think because I was stressed.
  
• I couldn't speak because I was upset.
  
• I couldn't move because I was tired.
  
• I couldn't do anything because I was helpless.
  
• It's not my fault that this happened. It was an accident.
  
• It's not my fault that it turned out this way. It's fate.
  
• It's not my fault that it is this way. It's life.
  

MINIMIZING MESSAGES
Imagine someone putting out your emotions like a small fire. Minimizing messages are precisely such words that diminish the importance of your feelings, experiences, or problems. Instead of showing understanding and support, someone gives you the impression that you are exaggerating or that your matters are not important. Messages in which you will hear and feel the minimization of the importance of your matters are usually short and sharp as a razor. Even if they may sound positive narratively, they are no longer positive when placed in context.

• Don't exaggerate, it's nothing.
  
• There's nothing to worry about.
  
• Others have it worse.
  
• Don't be a child.
  
• Pull yourself together.
  
• Don't be dramatic.
  
• Calm down.
  
• Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
  
• Don't worry about trifles.
  
• It's only temporary.
  
• Nothing happened, after all.
  
• It's not worth worrying about.
  
• Forget about it.
  
• It's okay now.
  
• Don't think about it.
  
• It will pass.
  
• It will be fine.
  
• You can do it.
  
• You're strong.
  
• Don't give up.
  
• There's no reason to cry.
  
• Stop complaining.
  
• Don't be so sensitive.
  
• It's just your imagination.
  
• Don't overreact.
  

GENERALIZING MESSAGES
Imagine someone painting your portrait with one thick line. Generalizing messages are precisely such words that generalize and pigeonhole. Instead of seeing nuances and variability, someone creates rigid patterns and assigns us labels that do not reflect the truth about us.

• You're always late.
  
• You never listen to me.
  
• Everyone thinks so.
  
• Nobody likes you.
  
• You always have some problems.
  
• You're always the same.
  
• You'll never change.
  
• Everyone is cheating you.
  
• No one will help you.
  
• You're always unlucky.
  
• You never succeed.
  
• Everyone is against you.
  
• Nobody understands you.
  
• You're always a victim.
  
• You're never happy.
  
• Everyone is better than you.
  
• No one is worse than you.
  
• You're always right.
  
• You're never right.
  
• Everyone loves you.
  
• Nobody loves you.
  
• You're always the center of attention.
  
• You're never noticed.
  
• You're always lucky.
  
• You're never lucky.
  

INTERRUPTING MESSAGES
Imagine someone constantly interrupting you while you're speaking, like when you're trying to talk in a noisy room. Interrupting messages are precisely such words or behaviors that disrupt the flow of your speech and prevent you from freely expressing your thoughts and feelings. It's a signal that someone is not interested in what you have to say, or that they consider their own affairs more important.

• Interrupting in the middle of a sentence.
  
• Changing the subject.
  
• Ignoring statements.
  
• Not maintaining eye contact.
  
• Answering the phone during a conversation.
  
• Leaving the room during a conversation.
  
• Yawning while listening.
  
• Looking at your watch.
  
• Fidgeting in your chair.
  
• Tapping your fingers on the table.
  
• Sighing.
  
• Making faces.
  
• Rolling your eyes.
  
• Nodding your head impatiently.
  
• Furrowing your eyebrows.
  
• Smiling ironically.
  
• Laughing at statements.
  
• Commenting on statements while they are being made.
  
• Asking questions that are not related to the topic.
  
• Giving advice that no one asked for.
  

MANIPULATIVE MESSAGES
Imagine someone trying to catch you in a web, like a cunning spider. Manipulative messages are precisely such words that are intended to influence your behavior or decisions in a hidden and dishonest way. Instead of openly expressing their needs and expectations, someone uses persuasion techniques to achieve their goal, often at the expense of your well-being.

• If you love me, you'll do it.
  
• Everyone else agrees.
  
• Only you can help me.
  
• You'll regret it.
  
• I don't want to lose you.
  
• You owe it to me.
  
• Don't let me down.
  
• Trust me.
  
• It's for your own good.
  
• You have no choice.
  
• This is the only way out.
  
• You can't refuse.
  
• This is your chance.
  
• Don't miss the opportunity.
  
• It's a secret.
  
• Don't tell anyone.
  
• Promise me.
  
• Swear to me.
  
• I beg you.
  
• Please.
  

Please let me know what you think and add other messages that come to mind!

[Marcel Mitraszewski]

A lot of great examples of messages, that might sound "OK", but are not!
Thanks!